Tech-support Hall of Shame

[Jeremy Fowler]

Reminds me of this Byteback Issue I've read from CramSession's mailing list:

Goats and Jobs and Stuff

"Hey A.J.," people often say to me while I'm lying face down on the hood of a
police car, patiently explaining how the goat and I ended up in Steve Ballmer's
back yard, "how do I get gainful employment in IT when it seems that the entire
industry is rapidly sliding down a greased chute into the bowels of the Abyss?"
It's a good question, and one that I always try to answer after I've posted
bail.

There's no denying that the current IT job market, regional differences aside,
is about as friendly as a Mossad surprise birthday party for Yasser Arafat.
During the brief boom period of the 90's, IT employers had to shell out large
salaries, generous benefit packages, and sometimes even rock star-like perks in
order to attract and retain qualified staff. Those were the days when having
your MCSE was the equivalent of getting three gold bars in the jackpot window of
the great vocational slot machine.

However, the wheels have turned, and the employer's hand that once held tickets
to the corporate skybox is now holding a whip. It is an employer's job market,
and don't be fooled into thinking that companies don't know it. How can you tell
that it's an employer's job market? One indication is that when, after you've
complained about having to work constant overtime week after week with no
additional compensation, your supervisor refers you to the chapter that's
titled, "Don't Like It? Go Ahead and Quit, Monkey-Boy!" in the company's
Employee Handbook.

There are still members of the popular press insisting that there is an IT
worker shortage, but don't try telling that to an unemployed techie-you're
liable to get your serial port kicked up around your ears. There is a fierce
competition taking place in the IT employment trenches, and IT employers know
it. The brief shining moment of the IT worker walking into an interview with the
confidence to barter for something a little better than salaried servitude is
over; techies are now reduced to standing hat in hand, trying not to take up too
much space in the interviewer's office, silently pleading for a desperately
needed break in order to survive in an economy that's slacker than a teenage
boy's jaw during a Britney Spears concert.

There is a sad, almost humorous quality to IT job postings these days...

The appropriate candidate will possess the following qualifications:

* 8 to 10 years experience with Windows 2000

* 16 to 18 years experience with .NET Server

* 32 to 48 years experience with time travel

* a Masters or Doctorate degree in computer science, with further post-graduate
work on the study of polygamy within the Inca ruling caste

* must possess working knowledge of SQL, Oracle, Linux, NetWare, Cisco routers,
Solaris, Lotus Notes, Citrix, IBM DB2, FORTRAN, COBOL, Java, Visual Studio, C,
C++, ASP, Perl, XML, thermodynamics, quantum theory, CPR, origami, computational
epistemology, linguistic analysis, Etruscan warlords of 500 B.C.,
nanotechnology, God, and HP laser printers

To apply for this Help Desk Level I position...

What we are dealing with is a classic case of overcompensation. Businesses that
had to fork out extravagant salaries and benefits during the boom years are
pulling in the purse strings faster than a CEO writing off a steak dinner. And,
as the echoes of the dot-com crash continue to reverberate throughout the
industry, it's fairly obvious that there isn't going to be good-paying jobs for
all of the survivors. The excesses of the past are being paid for with the
salaries of today's workforce; these excesses are also evident in business
abominations such as the WorldCom bankruptcy.

On the great wheel of employment karma, things are definitely sluggish right
now. There is a bunker mentality prevalent throughout the industry. This is
unfortunate, because wariness and unease are poor catalysts for innovation and
production. While there was a lot of foolishness during the dot-com boom, there
was also a lot of creative, visionary thinking that helped to advance technology
and its applications in new and exciting directions. This sort of creative
energy is much more difficult to find in today's environment of cautious
trepidation.

No one can say with surety exactly how long this current cycle of economic
depression is going to last, or when (and how significant) the recovery is going
to be. I do know that those individuals that jumped into the IT pool in order to
get a quick salary fix will most likely be winnowed out during this cycle, and
that the "lifers", those who are in this industry because they love technology
and what it can accomplish, will come out of the tunnel a little poorer, a
little battered, but ready to carry the industry forward.

Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go figure out how you post bail for a goat.

A. J. Axline