If only BOFH: the Movie could get made

[Brian Kelsay]

Bastard, The Movie.
  Title "A few good simms"
  Starring Nicholson as The Bastard Operator From Hell..

  Bastard: "You want answers?"
  Boss: "I think I'm entitled to them!"
  Bastard: "YOU WANT ANSWERS?"
  Boss: "I want the truth!"
  Bastard: YOU CAN'T HANDLE THE TRUTH!
  Son, processes live on a system that has finite resource. Resources
  guarded by people with System Admin experience! Who's going to look
  after that system? You? The support guy who drools so much he has a drip
  tray?

  I have a greater responsibility than you can possibly fathom.

  You weep for lost sessions and curse system admins - you have that
  luxury! You have the luxury of not knowing what I know - that session
  killing, while tragic, saves resource - And my existence, while
  incomprehensible and expensive to you - saves resource!"

  You don't want the truth because deep down, in places you don't like to
  talk about at user group meetings, WANT me on the system - you NEED me
  on the system!"

  We use words like "I/O wait", "Pagefaults", and "CPUtime", as a backbone
  of a life spent sorting out user-caused problems. You use them as a
  cop-out for downtime at Management meetings.

  I have neither the time nor the inclination to explain myself to a
  person who connects and disconnects under the very blanket of the very
  performance I provide, then QUESTIONS the manner in which I provide it.
  I'd rather you left a nice message with the helldesk.

  Or read a linux admin manual and checked out the performance monitors.
  Either way, I don't give a DAMN what you think you are entitled to!"

  Boss: "Did you kill -9 the Database Server?"

  Bastard: "I did my job - I kept the system running!"

  Boss: "Did you kill -9 the Database Server?!"

  Bastard: "YOU'RE GODDAM RIGHT I DID!"